Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
