Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
