cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
