it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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