i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
