Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
