Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
