Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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