got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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