dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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