Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
