Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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