ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
