return my video game
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
