i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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