trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
