my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
