very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
