I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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