I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
