pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't deserve a penis
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
