And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need a burrito and a hug.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
