I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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