sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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