I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
