I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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