my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
