Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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