i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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