I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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