I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
