clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
