The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
