I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
