Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
