This dress was meant to end up on your floor
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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