Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
should my penis look like a turkey
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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