i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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