Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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