So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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