I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
