So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
