but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize