How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
