Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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