I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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