Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
