I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
