It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
