I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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