I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
