the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
