so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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