If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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