i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
