Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
