look no pants
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
