Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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