i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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