Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
