I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
