He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
