took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
