Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
