why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
