I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
