Your face is a jimmy john
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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