Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
