Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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