I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
