Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
