Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
