I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
