my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
