I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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