Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
