I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
