i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
